Retirement Humor

So you're retiring?  Gettin' old? 

Laugh retirement in the face and lighten up with a bit of humor.

Use the following retirement jokes and quotes for the final farewell speech, the farewell card, or just for a different perspective while you check your life savings:

• The best thing about sixty-five is knowing everything, the best thing about retirement is having lots of time to tell you about it.
  

• When do retiree's make plans for their exciting, new, madcap adventures?
  As soon as they've had their afternoon nap!

• Retirement doesn't care who you are, it's only focus is the quotas.
  

• How many days are there in a Retiree's week?
  6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
  
  
• How many retirees are needed to change a light bulb?
  Only one, but it might take all day.
  
  
• Why are retired people who are misers so special?
  They make wonderful ancestors.

• What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?          Retired!

• Retirement: where the money's no better but the hours are!

• I can't wait to retire so I can get up at 6am and drive really slow so I make everyone late for work :)

The funny retirement poems have to be better than this!

• What does a government retiree miss most about not having a job?
  Not being able to fake being sick two or three times a month.
  
  
• When is it a retiree's bedtime?
  Two hours after falling asleep on the sofa.
  
  
• What is the typical retiree's greatest frustration?
  Not being able to complete all the things he had planned to do that don't need to get done in the first place. 

• What is so special about the age sixty-five?
  You finally have enough experience and then have to retire!
  
  
• What's the worst thing about retirement humor?
  Incontinence.
  
  
• What do you call a sixty-five year old that hates their job but won't leave?
  Flat broke!

• What has 32 legs and 6 teeth?
  A retirement home loungeroom!

• Why is it easy to get into a retirement home?                 There's always an empty bed there!

Are these jokes really bad? Try some funny quotes!

This joke is really punny...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

I can't take it any more!  Show me a sample retirement speech!

Retirement memes:

Sometimes the good old joke gets, well, old.  A quick search on the internet using the search phrase "retirement meme" will throw up some hilarious captioned images.  For those of you not up with the times, some examples of memes are below to educate you -

If you have to give a retirement speech, having one of these memes behind you would be a hilarious distraction taking the attention off you (if you are nervous about speaking).

Retirement Gifs:
These animated images, called gifs, are not recommended to play behind you while you give a speech (it would give everyone a conniption), these are just for your own enjoyment :)  Again, an internet search will throw up many animated images for your persual, with examples such as below -

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

These are simply terrible. Give me my dignity back with some wiser, more thoughtful retirement verses.